Usually i try to steer my conversations away from unhappy stuffs. I don't like to carry these unhappy feelings and unload them in other people's mind. Let the trouble be mine and my own. No one likes an old bus with a trailing toxic fume that suffocates.
But i haven't felt so angry for a long time that i need to vent. And i can't pinpoint what was it that pissed me off.
I wasn't proud of myself.
I thought i had a firm control on my temper, that i can take all kinds of shit. These 4 months in A&E kinda reinforced my belief, seeing all sorts of people and getting all kinds of insult hurled at me. I had so far maintained this zen-like smile (my imagination anyway, haha) rather effortlessly.
I never got worked up by whatever scathing comment i had gotten so far, since most of them were either intoxicated or completely out of their mind. I didn't in any way identify with the labels, and i didn't suspect in the faintest likelihood that they could be right anyway. I could laugh them away and frankly, i probably did not get that many of them anyway.
I raised my voice at the patient's family today. Tsk tsk, extremely not skilful.
The patient (himself quite apologetic) had been waiting for 3 hours for a bed, but unfortunately bed situation in my hospital after the chinese new year period has been like a bad drought. The family requested for an update, and soon started raising their voice at me as i approached the reason for the delay. Despite reassurance that we were doing all we can to comfort him in the interim while waiting for his bed (and the busy inpatient ward MO), they were unhappy that the nurses were unable to secure a bed sooner. As soon as i told them that post CNY a lot more patient had showed up en masse, hence the bed crunch, they accused me of giving them an excuse.
How the hell is that an excuse? (I said, that's an explanation! Aghast!)
No you are not giving me an explanation, you are giving me an excuse!
They were relentless. They weren't listening.
I should have recognised that earlier. I should have just kept my mouth shut and act dumb. But i kept trying to drill some sense into them, to no avail.
In the end i found myself with boiling temperature blood coursing through my body, and my ears must have been red like a chimpanzee's ass.
How the confrontation ended i could not remember clearly now. I guess it was Ramizah who came to my rescue, diverting some of their firepower.
Why are people with absolute no idea of hospital's logistics so liberal at throwing their judgement about a hospital's seeming inefficiency? Does being family to a patient grant you the right to misbehave and boss around?
'Why are you raising your voice at me?' I said it in the calmest possible manner. What i got was 'i am not raising my voice at you' in an increasing high pitch and amplitude, and the whole observation ward was looking at us.
I guess what i felt was betrayal. That caused the anger.
Why do families turn their back against us healthcare worker who are trying to help the patients fighting against our common enemy, the diseases and sufferings? Aren't we supposed to be in the same team? (I was foolish to think so, guess i am not jaded yet)
I stayed back for almost 2 hours after work to sort out my patients, and all i got are these lousy people who don't appreciate what we are doing, threatening/deciding to AOR but have no pride to stick to their ill-decision to the end. Even have the cheek to ask the nurse to tell me they want to stay anyway in the end, and to cancel AOR.
We are all trying our best, why can't these people just make our hard work a little more pleasant/easier?
*The saving grace is that i can recall at will many more angelic patients who genuinely appreciate our sacrifice and makes all these self -denial (of pleasures) so palatable that i won't mind doing it till all my teeth fall
**What do you expect? Life's like that. Didn't you read the fine print when you sign on?