Just for Laughs #8

* The internet connection was acting up for the past few days, can't seem to log into blogger.com at all. 

Fractured Penis

Stumbled upon this 2 days back on this blog which happened to have stumbled upon this on another blog. 

What do you think happened? 

(Don't go groping for that bone ya... )

HK TVB Interviewing Penang Chief Minister Lim Guan Eng

Just to share. Unfortunately all 3 clips are all in Cantonese and Mandarin, without English sub. 

香港无线电视节目- [檳城在望] 

Clean/Neat Freak That I Am

I have been memorizing the location of visible specks of dirt on the floor at home for some time. Not by choice though, the dirts just leave imprints in my mind naturally. 

Everyday i have been visually confirming their existence everytime i move around the house. They are essentially invisible, however my cursed eyes pick them up readily, and they do irritate me. 

But i was training myself to get used to them. I have to. 

Now that i am staying with my friends in an apartment, we have to calibrate our expectations. I can't go about cleaning the house everyday, or demand them to do that all the time. 

Come to think about it, it must really be a pain to stay with a freak like me.

I have never thought of myself being any different from everyone else all my life, till i came to university and lived in a dorm, then i started getting 'Keep Clean' door tag and getting called OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder, think the woman who frantically and repeatedly wiping an already clean table in some movie. For some reason people here think of me that way)

Anyway after staring at the specks of dust and trying to get used to living with them harmoniously for some time, i gave up. 

I swept the whole house again today. Really messed up i am. 

But there' still hope. 

This still appeals to me. Hehe. 

Mercedes Saves You More Money Than Proton Would!

* Recently i have been tormenting my clinical groupmates with Malaysian politics over lunch. It just never fails to make them erupt in frenzied laughter. The antics are always darn funny. Here's the latest one.

Even the orang utans are put to shame by their antics

The latest talk in town was Terengganu State Government's purchase of a fleet of Mercedes Benz for the State Executive Councillors. 

(source: The Star)

Well, i really don't care if they buy Mercedes or beamers. They can even buy Bentleys, as long as they do their job (properly) and deliver. Any self-respecting corporations would provide progressively better rides for their executives up the hierarchy. Good results should be remunerated with just rewards. Otherwise there would be no incentives to work their ass off hard, right? 

But these buffoons just have to mess it up. 

So, getting a Mercedes is more economical, in the long run, than our good old Proton Perdana V6. Really?

Hmm, i get what he meant. You see, if you are chauffeured in a Mercedes, you don't have to do long-distance journeys anymore. Everybody will come driving to them instead! 

But wait, they are getting new rides, not new breast implants right? New rides won't do that magic bit... 

Anyway, last i checked (heh), the cost of maintenance goes up as the car gets more expensive, not the other way round. Well well. 

Oh wait! He really has a point there. Those Mercedes do have more durable gearboxes. 

But firstly i can't understand why the gearboxes needed to be replaced twice. Probably they had some Schumacher-wannabe moonlighting as chauffeur, racing down the expressway at breakneck speed and executing drifts ala Too Fast Too Furious style on a daily basis. 

Sup Gearbox. The only gearbox that needs regular replacement. 

But wait, a Perdana (RM120000k?) + repairs costing RM50000 = RM170000 is still half the price of what they had paid for a Mercedes E Class. 

And who the hell repairs a car for RM50000? Unless you repair your wallet at the same time too. You know, claimable expenses. You know, Ah Kong's account. You know, Malaysian politicians. 

Oooh.... Mercedes save you fuel costs... That's like saying showering using a fire hydrant saves you water bill. Come on...

Yes you can fetch a high price, but how much is the loss? Selling a second hand Mercedes at RM150k, you still lose RM195k. If you give away that pathetic Perdana V6 for free, your loss is only RM120k. 

The only far-sightedness i could detect is that of a medical issue. 

Yeah right, I am sure. I hope the angles that linger in his mind aren't all curves. 

More likely this, right?

As if it's not tax-payers' money if it didn't come from oil royalties. 

Is it just me, or you too feel that all those BN politicians are treating us like idiots? 

The more i think about it the more incensed i become...

Do You Offer Your Seat?

Please offer your seat to old folks who would not tolerate a bumpy ride as well as you. 

I was on this shuttle bus to the MRT station when i saw that. 

3 boys in their late adolescence pretending not to see an old lady who had to endure the entire bus journey, who was standing right next to them, clutching desperately at a handle that was too high for her reach. 

They had the audacity to slump on their lazy bums while letting a frail old grandma suffer the bumpy ride on her knees that were wrecked by osteoarthritis...

Shame on you, kids. 

I am guilty as well. I should have lashed out at these imbeciles. Such disrespect. Such thoughtlessness!

*I offered my seat to another lady. Unfortunately my ass is not big enough to occupy 2 seats. Otherwise i would graciously offer the poor lady as well. 

What it would take... 

Penang Hokkien in Peril?

Links: Here and here

There have been calls by a certain people for the revival of speaking Penang Hokkien for the past few days. 

Everytime i read these, i end up scratching my head, imagining really hard whether i live in the same Penang they were talking about. 

There was no shortage of people speaking hokkien wherever i go, last i went home. 

You know the interest in Hokkien hasn't waned a single bit when kids everywhere in Penang belt out obscenities with incredible ease. 

KNNCCB! 

Absolutely no shortage of people scolding KNNCCB! 

The pin-point accuracy of their pronunciation, coupled with appropriate inflection, delivers the message convincingly, the feat only a native speaker of Penang Hokkien would be able to pull off satisfactorily. 

And they were calling for parents to teach their kids Hokkien, saying that it's even more important now that Penang was already listed a Unesco World Heritage Site. 

(Lifted from The Star article mentioned above)

What rubbish is this? 

Where would you be able to find tourists who speak Hokkien, or who would attempt to speak Hokkien? Fujian Province in China and Taiwan, perhaps. But beyond these places? Seriously. 

If you want your kids to speak hokkien, look no further than Chinese medium school, or the more unruly national high schools. Send them there, and they shall speak perfect Hokkien (courses on obscenities included, FOC).

Even my alma mater, the high and mighty Chung Ling High School.

It's the jewel of Chinese-medium education in Penang, and the place every boy from Chinese-medium primary school aspires to study in. Only the top scorers from Chinese-medium primary schools will be enrolled. To the pinnacle of Chinese-medium high school education... 

(But the products they mould us into are not always good, as evidenced by yours truly)

But it's really a Hokkien medium school. 

Penang in Year 1986

I miss Penang Hill

Was surprised to find out that one colleague of mine in the department i work in has some ties to the little island i call home. 

His grandfather had migrated to Penang many years ago from Tamil Nadu, and over the years he was elected a Member of the Parliament for Datuk Keramat area, and was subsequently conferred a Datukship. Really impressive. 

While he remained with his families in Tamil Nadu, he had visited Penang many times. 

He has seen the ups and downs of Penang, he claimed.  

Penang in Year 1986 was comparable to Singapore. It was as impressive, as inspiring, and full of promise in his eyes. 

He came back 10 years later, only to discover that Penang has lost its allure. 

He is going to Penang to take his postgraduate exam next month. I am waiting for his assessment. 

Definitely, Maybe

Just finished watching the the movie over dinner tonight. Nowadays life has gotten so busy that i have to watch movies over several sitting, mostly over meals. 

If i get any busier than this, i probably have to further multitask on the comfort of the toilet bowl. Haha. 

The movie was really good. The only regret i have while watching this movie was my company. 

Nesa is just too tall, too big, too dark, and too hairy. 

Anyway the movie is about a father trying to tell his inquisitive daughter about his life story before marriage, the many complicated relationships he had, and getting the daughter to guess who's her real mother in the story. The plot was great, and the acting brilliant. 

And i am sure you will grow to love Abigail Breslin. She's an absolute angel. A 12 year-old angel.

I don't know if it's my paternal instinct acting up, but i would really love to have a daughter like that. 

But... If only i can somehow skip the incessant crying baby and non-stop soiling diapers phase, and fast forward to the age where we can have sweet heart to heart talk. 

That's hardly possible. Let's forget about it for the time being. Whatever it is, I have got to pass my finals before i can have any such grand plans. 

Was thinking about whether it is possible to have a similar discussion with a 12 year old girl in Malaysia/Singapore, on the father's love life before she came into being, on his many stumbles and mistakes, shedding the macho father persona. 

I find it hard to conjure such a picture in a local setting. Anyway a 12 year old girl in Malaysia/Singapore would be too busy studying for their primary school final exams to be bothering about her father's love life. Kids nowadays are really having it bad. I never studied when i was 12. (I think, because i can't remember doing so. haha)

Anyway go watch it, you won't be disappointed. 

---

This part of the conversations somehow lingers very long in my mind. I guess it's insightful. 

WILLIAM: a fetching young intern just started a week ago.

APRIL: Great. Ask her out.

WILLIAM: I should, shouldn't I?

WILLIAM: I don't think I will. You see, I don't want a fling.

WILLIAM: I want the real deal.

APRIL: Forget about the real deal. You don't find it, it finds you.

WILLIAM: does that mean? I don't know what that means.

APRIL: It means that you get to a certain age and then you're ready.

APRIL: You know, you're ready for kids or a commitment or, you know...

WAITRESS: Sir.

APRIL: ...a mortgage.

WAITRESS: Table's ready. Okay.

WILLIAM: Thanks.

APRIL: You know what I mean?

APRIL: And the person that you're with then,they become the one.

WILLIAM: you're saying it's not who, but it's when.

APRIL: Exactly.

WILLIAM: Okay. All right.

WILLIAM: So there's never been a guy, ever, that made you think, this is it.

WILLIAM: This is him. This is the one.

APRIL: (hesitate) No.

WILLIAM: Okay, then why aren't you out there, you know, enjoying yourself?

APRIL: I am.

WILLIAM: You are?

APRIL: Yes. Right now I'm seeing this guy, Kevin.

WILLIAM: Kevin?

APRIL: Kevin.

WILLIAM: Who the hell's Kevin?

WILLIAM: Where did... How come you never, you know, mentioned anything about him?

APRIL: I'm mentioning him now.

Old (Fart) Student

'Hey Sir!' 

I glanced over my shoulder. A pretty young thing was trailing me as i hurried along the walkway next to the MRT station. 

Do you remember Michael Jackson had this song Pretty Young Thing? 

Dressed in an apple green spaghetti top and a jean skirt, she did not look dressed up enough to be working for the credit card companies. Those companies usually stipulate formal dressing code, even for their part-timers. 

Excluding the differential of working for credit card company, my provisional diagnosis was that of a survey questionnaire administrator. 

With the tell-tale sign of a writing pad over her bosom chest, she casted me a million dollar smile, and her lips twitched in preparation to vocalise.  

'I am in a hurry.' I pre-empted her, not wanting to waste my time, and hers. 

'Oh I won't take too long.' 

I know. 

Not impressed, my feet continued carrying me at a velocity of 1 metre per second, I repeated, 'I am really in a hurry.'

'Sir are you working?' 

I was like, Bingo! They will usually leave me alone after i tell them i am still a lowly student. I gleefully proclaimed that i am a student. 

But i wasn't at all prepared for what comes next. 

She shot me an incredulous look. 

The same kind of incredulous expression. Check out his cool T-shirt. Led Zeppelin. 

'You are still a student?!' Her tone was that of a complete disbelief. Maybe even disgust. Haha. 

'Yes I am.' I bluntly replied. I was like, what the heck. Haven't you seen 25 years old students before? 

So you have problem with a student's age... (Notre Dame de Namur honored their oldest graduate Ruth Singleton 82 who graduated in the school of arts and humanities)

Before i have even finished my train of thought, or rather the train of curses mentally, she poof-ed into the thin air, nowhere to be seen. 

&%$!?>@... 

Blasphemy

* It's meant to be funny ok? Don't take it too seriously. Especially if you are religious. 

Was on an mrt the other day when it happened. 

I was being my usual self: totally absorbed in the wonders of my book, completely oblivious to my surrounding, cocooning in the blissful sphere of serenity gazing at lines and lines of printed text. 

You can send a whole cell of terrorists barging into the train and blow it into smithereens, and i would perish without having any single inkling of what the hell has happened. 

But not this one. 

 

The force is strong in this one... 

I saw someone gingerly taking a seat next to me from the corner of my vision. I stole a glance to my side and i swear a church bell rung in my head. 

It was an elderly nun, reading her copy of well-worn leatherbound holy book, complete with an air of serenity. 

I looked at my book, and i gulped. 

Tada!

I then pressed the pages opened very widely to make sure the covers were safely out of her sight. 

What was it that i fear? That she would exorcize me start telling me i was a sinner and i needed to believe in the Holy Trinity? That she would chastise me for reading that yellow book? 

Even though i am a non-believer, i do respect all those who have devoted their entire life to a seminary vocation, believing firmly and selflessly that they are doing good to mankind, irrespective of religions. 

*That is until they start talking nonsense. My respect for them then will take a slow but sure spiral down into some abysmal depth. 

Anyway, i was feeling rather disrespectful to be reading that book next to her. Perhaps that's how it feels to be drooling over some skimpily clad chick featured on Playboy's cover page, while seated next to her mother. While humming will.i.am's I Got It From My Mama. 

Baby where’d you get your body from?
Tell me where’d you get your body from.
Baby where’d you get your body from?
Tell me where’d you get your body from.
I got it from my mamma.
I got it from my mamma.
I got it from my mamma.
I got it got it got got it…

Wonderfully respectful isn't it? 

Anyway i resumed reading my book, while she started doing the fishing thing in the midst of a underground mrt tunnel. 

Fishing without killing. (For the clueless, it's the act of losing neck tone followed by jerking backwards while dozing off)

She must have dreamed of landing a huge catch when she dropped her holy book on the floor, scattering many pieces of notes and so on all over the floor IN FRONT OF ME. 

What followed was an extremely contortion of my body done out of supreme desperation. 

Man he looks like Koh Tsu Koon doesn't he? 

Reluctant to put my book down for fear of her reading the title, i tried balancing my bag on my thighs, and by means of internal rotating my left arm, slightly flexing my elbow, over-pronating my forearm, flexing my wrist to the max with fingers extended and somehow had the book safely tugged out of her sight to the other side, nestled between my back and the back rest of the seat. 

Then I had to bend my body forward and lowered myself  to the dangerous level of farting assholes, stretching my right hand far ahead of me to pick up those scattered notes and pictures that any further my right shoulder was sure to dislocate. 

No one offered to help. I guess they were too engrossed watching an idiot performing contortionistic performance. 

Oh did i mention that my cheek was hovering perilously close to the other CHEEKS of fellow commuters too? 

While stepping out of the train, i couldn't help but marvel at all these interesting coincidences that happen in life. The faithful probably will claim that God is trying to send me a message, and i better heed the calling lest i invite God's wrath.  

Well, i say He should spend some time writing a new Holy Book. 

This one bored that poor nun to slumber. 

Commencement 2008

Let me tell you how it feels when all your friends are attending convocation/commencement and you are not. 

It really sucks. 

Imagine being jilted by the hot girl who went out for a steamy date with every guy friend you have, but stop short of hanging out with you. 

Imagine happily queuing up for Baskin Robbin's free ice cream and have the shutter of the stall come crashing down at your face. At a loss of what to do, you turn back to give that helpless shrug to the person behind you in the queue. 

There's no one there. 

Imagine you are queuing up to enter Noah's Ark, but Noah told you that God didn't invite you. While walking down the primitive staircase, stepping on manures everywhere, you vaguely hear sound of crashing waves approaching. 

Imagine all of your family went out for an overseas holiday, and they were so engrossed about the whole thing that they forgot about you completely at departure, leaving you staying alone at home while they were having a blast at some exotic places. 

Imagine, that you are this guy. 

Ok that's how i am feeling now while everyone is attending the commencement now. They must be queuing up to enter the august hall and get their hold on the scrolls now. 

Probably they are listening to the valedictorian speech now. About how great the educational experience is. 

I guess some of you start to pity me at this point of time. 

But think twice. 

A hot girl who goes out for a steamy date with every one of your guy friends probably is called a hooker. And your friends? Bald retirees with a beer belly, and grease from dinner's steak smearing the lips. 

Baskin Robbin ice cream? Ok i don't fancy it too much. I don't need more atheroma clogging my arteries, now that i already have significant cardiovascular risk factor. 

God-forsaken and looking at the leaving Ark? Ok i am a Buddhist so i am kinda prepared for it. Till my next life... But before that i will frantically finish reading my 'God is Not Great' while nodding frantically. 

And gotten left behind by family? 

 

I will blow up the house like him*! 

*I really hate to see what a jackass he grows up to be

Not too bad huh. 

I am going to shower then will go meet all my friends after the ceremony. 

Hmm whose gown should i grab to take my pseudo-graduation photos? 

Dried Up

So dry... (Dam near Horsham, Australia)

I flipped open my wallet that had accompanied me for the past 7 years, revealing only 2 pathetic pieces of notes. Unwilling to believe the barrenness, i proceeded to check the other compartments of the wallet, knowing full well that i had never misplaced notes in my wallet. 

'Ah... No more,' I exhaled.

My finances was drying up fast, especially with the extra expenses of moving into a new house, both anticipated and unanticipated. And gosh the unanticipated ones were numerous.  

As a result of the severe murderous financial drought, the balance in my bank account plunge progressively, resembling more and more of a critically dried up lake by the days. The lake that was supposed to nourish me through my university years. 

But NUH paid me my part-time wages today! 

Haha. The exhilaration at seeing the number reflected on my bank balance today was just otherworldly. I was totally thrilled by that sum of money, albeit only peanuts. 

One more hurdle overcome! 

*Don't worry as I have sorted out my financial woes. This dried-up-lake phenomenon should not repeat itself. 

 

Barren

*Kids have comedy central, Malaysians have politics! Catch the latest saucy conspiracy theories from the Bolehland! Now featuring Najib, Anwar, and possibly another mattress! Look no further than Malaysiakini.com. 

I don't mean my fertility. I mean my blog lah...

I am so drained. 

I am fine but am just so damn tired juggling everything. Everyday is now so jam-packed that i have almost no time for myself. 

A typical day now is extremely regimented and starts at 6am sharp. Gotta get ready to leave by 6.45am. 

Ward round starts at 7.30am and am expected to be present (but at least they kinda involve me and grill me on and off, which is good). After the rounds i will head straight to work at CTVS department to crunch in data to obtain Euroscores. 

Yeah they scored at the Euro 2008 but you really don't want to score too much at my kind of Euroscore

I know Euroscore sounds awfully european football but there's nothing exciting about it. It is some statistical analysis of a patient's risk in open heart surgery. And i have awfully a lot of patients data to process. 

But at least i am getting paid, and the hours are extremely flexible so i am not complaining. 

Apart from the time to attend tutorial, lunch, or clerking patients on my own, i am always there in the department working on the numbers. So nowadays everyday feels really like a working day. And at the end of the day, i feel as if i am as tired as everyone else who really work the entire day. 

My footsteps are slow and heavy. My eyes are dim. Like a zombie. 

Walking zombie. I like this kind.   

The worst part comes after i arrive at home. I still have to study for my finals. 

And i have absolutely no energy left to study. Haha. 

And gone are the days when i stay up till 3am to study. Now i fall asleep soundly exactly at 12am everyday. 

So please bear with me if you find this blog to be very barren ok?